The Many Deaths of Edward Cullen
by Chesty's Superbest Friend
Summary: My brother always said that Twilight would be better if Stephanie Meyer had killed off Edward. Would it? Would it really be better? So I have had it arranged that Edward should die in any way possible. Funny ways, stupid ways, gross ways...
1. Well Of Course it has to be Garlic

**A.N. Hello, fellow Twilighters! I'm Chesty's Superbest Friend, and this is my first Twilight fic.**

**Summary: My brother always said that Twilight would be better if Stephanie Meyer had killed off Edward. Would it? Would it really be better? So I have had it arranged that Edward should die in any way possible.**

**Since this is – what's the term – a crack fic? Since this is a crack fic, of course everyone will be OOC. This is a parody. Hello.**

**Enjoy! I realize that as first chapters go, this one is probably the worst. Hopefully you can just snort at this, and then move on. Please? It gets better! I promise!**

**

* * *

**

**Death one: Well, Of Course it has to be Garlic**

Bella still couldn't rap her head around the fact that the person if front of her was real and not just an illusion. Her first actual 'date' with the infamous Edward Cullen. The pale, cold, very much attractive Edward Cullen.

What was he?

"What are you?" she asked, picking at her pizza with tons of garlic on it.

"I'm the bad guy."

"What?" The bad guy...? Why was she sitting in front of him again? Oh right, his really pretty eyes.

"You know. Not the villain"

She picked up her pizza and started to nibble. "Hmmm. I don't believe you."

He raised an eyebrow. "Don't believe me?"

She shook her head. "No. Villains just don't look like you. I think you look like a hero."

He looked at her as if she were crazy, then shook his head, saying nothing else.

Bella was quite confused. Weren't they just flirting? And he just stopped? Okay... "Yes...well...how come you don't have any food?"

"Not hungry."

"Not hungry? But this pizza is delicious!" She held it out to him. "Try it."

He made a face of disgust. "Um...no thank you."

She narrowed her eyes playfully. "I said eat it." She shoved it farther in his face. His face went more disgusted.

"If I take a bite, will you leave me alone?" She nodded, and he took the pizza. He opened his mouth wide and made a great deal of taking a bite. He chewed slowly, Bella thinking that he was just savoring the flavor. She nodded in encouragement.

Then he stopped chewing, and a vain popped. "Edward? Are you all right?" Bella asked, now alarmed. He was fine a minute ago.

He started to choke, his neck turning red. Really red. Blisters started to form around the area, some even popped. Bella recoiled. "Ew..." Edward's eyes started to widen, and his face started to get the blisters.

"Edward!" Bella shrieked as he fell to the ground. People swarmed around them, the other Cullen's trying to get him to wake.

Bella stared at the commotion around her in a silent shock. She had thought he was a hero. That he could throw people with a flick of a wrist. That he could kill a man with a snap of a finger. That he could protect her against all evil. He was supposed to be her hero! Now he's dead.

Who would've thought that Edward Cullen's greatest downfall would be garlic?


	2. Don't Diss a Girl and Her Shoes

**A.N. Are you ready for chapter two? It's much better. And has some swear words up the wazoo. I apologize. And again, be prepared for the stupidity.**

**Enjoy! For the record, I don't hate Twilight. I don't think it's the worst book out there. I don't thimk it should die in a whole, or that I could write a better book than it. I mean, aren't _all _books a little weird? **

**Disclaimer: No. (ha ha, scared you a little, huh? No. I don't own Twilight)

* * *

**

**Death Two: Don't Diss a Girl and Her Shoes**

Edward was showing Bella around his house. She was amazed at everything. Oh, he was so lucky to find her! "And this is Emmett's room. Jasper's room. Alice's..."

But Alice was in her room. Edward pushed open the door. "Hey Alice. Here's...Bella." Once glance at the room, and you could just tell that Alice was having the worst day of her Vampire life.

"What? Oh, hi. Not now, I can't find my shoes!" Alice started to throw her clothes this way and that.

Edward raised one of his really hairy eyebrows. "Your shoes?" Bella was nodding, totally understanding the pain that Alice was going through. I mean, it totally sucks when you can't find your shoes!

Alice nodded frustratedly. "Yes, my shoes! Where are they? I need them!"

"Why can't you just go out and buy a new pair? There just shoes," Edward said in a voice that clearly suggested that he thought his sister was being absurd.

If Alice hadn't been so flustered, she would've totally beat Edward's ass right now. "Because, you idiot, they're my _favorite _shoes." Alice threw a 700 dollar shirt through the air, landing on Bella's head. Edward brushed it off.

"Alice, you're being really silly right now. What shoes are you looking for? Those pretty red heals?" Did Edward just say 'pretty'? We-eird.

Alice shook her head. "No! Those silver boots!"

Edward snorted (snorted?) and rolled his eyes, steering Bella out of the chaotic room. "Psh. Those shoes are ugly. Don't bother looking for them anymore."

…

"What. Did you just say?" Alice no longer looked for the shoes. She just froze, went rigid, and talked really slow and really low. Bella was afraid to breathe.

"I said don't bother finding the shoes. They aren't that attractive." Edward, no!

Alice slowly turned towards the perfect couple. "You stupid bitch! What did you just say about my shoes? About _my _shoes?" Bella took a step back, quite afraid of how Alice was acting. Edward stood his ground.

"Excuse me? What – " but he was cut off.

"Shut up, you whore!" She bent down at lightening speed and picked up an object, chucking it as hard as she could at the stupid boy. Bella flinched and squeezed her eyes shut. She heard a loud _thud _and a rolling sound going _clunk clunk clunk _down the stairs.

Bella peeked open an eye and saw an Edward with no head.

She stood in shock for a millisecond before her mouth popped open and she shrieked like the love of her life just died.

Alice stood with her hands clenched at her sides, breathing heavily. Then she looked down at the headless body of Edward Cullen, and her eye's lit up.

"Hey, there's my shoes!"


	3. Deceasing the Already Deceased

**A.N. Howdy! I'm glad everyone liked the last one. I was quite proud of it myself. This one is a little more serious, but that's because it supposed to be serious. Treat it like a soap opera, ya know? It's so serious, you have to laugh at it.**

**Enjoy!**

**I was a Zombie for Halloween once. It was epic.**

**Disclaimer: Psh! Psh! Psh!...Psh! No, I don't own Twilight.

* * *

**

**Death three: Deceasing the Already Deceased**

Bella and Edward thought that today was just a regular day. They got up (well, Bella got up), they got ready, they went to school, they did this, they did that...

Then it happened.

Jessica had seemed pretty weird the past couple of days. Paler the first day, then greener the next. She picked up a terrible cough, but came to school anyways, saying that she "Felt fine! It's nothing!" Every time she coughed, blood would come up. And she had the hugest bandage on her leg. "I fell," she always said. And people believed her.

But now it's too late. Too late for them to notice the obvious signs.

Edward's car was in the shop, so he had to walk Bella home. They didn't mind the cold (just so long as they were together), and it was good exercise.

Jessica was absent from school that day. "I wonder where she is...," Bella mused, Edward nodding in agreement.

Then he frowned. "Wait...she's right there." He pointed. Bella frowned this time.

"Jessica!" she called. Jessica looked funny, all hunched over and covered in...is that blood? "Jessica?" she asked again, more worried this time. Jessica slowly turned her head and...moaned? What the hells is goin' on?

Edward looked just as baffled. "Let's go see what's wrong." He grabbed Bella's hand and they briskly walked over to Jessica, or who they thought was Jessica.

But Jessica was long gone now...

They slowed once they got five feet from her. There looked to be bile dripping from her mouth, and her eyes were sunken. There was a lot of blood. Oh so much blood...Bella swayed, and Edward held on tighter.

"Jessica?" she whispered. The girl tilted her head to the side, looking at the couple strangely. Then she opened her mouth as if to talk and...

She lunged at Edward. She bit his shoulder and clawed at his shirt, trying to get underneath.

Bella seethed. "Jessica, what the hell? He's _my _boyfriend, bitch!"

Edward threw Jessica off. He had his own blood all over him, and Jessica was getting back up, despite her broken arm, and her eye that had popped out of its socket. Bella shrieked, and Edward pulled her out of there.

–

The next day, Edward was very ill. Bed-ridden ill. Bella paced the room, tears streaming down the face.

–

"Bella. I'm so sorry." Alice hugged her tightly. They had just heard on the news about the Zombie outbreak. They were now certain what had caused Jessica and Edward's illness. There wasn't much time.

–

"I need a shot gun," Bella asked her dad. He looked up from his paper.

"Why?"

"I need to kill Edward."

He didn't even hesitate. "It's in the closet."

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

–

Edward moaned as he slid down the hall. Bella bit her bottom lip.

"You can do this, honey," Esme whispered in her ear.

"No I can't!" she yelled, causing Edward to slink faster.

"Do it!" Jacob yelled at her. She panicked. So much pressure!

Edward was just five feet away. Four. Three. "I love you, Edward!" Two.

One.

_**BANG!**_

Edward splattered everywhere. Bella screamed, falling to her knees.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to blow off your head! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"


	4. Darkness is Sexier Than Edward

**A.N. Hey! How's everyone doin? Good? Good. I hope you all like how this is going. I do! I also hope that you guys know what I'm talking about when I go through some of the deaths.**

**Enjoy! This one is probably my favorite out of them all!**

**Disclaimer: What if Twilight had an open ending? Like the Lady or the Tiger. I think Edward would say that he was more dangerous than the tiger, so she should choose the tiger...although it's actually the guy who opens the door...anyhoot! No, I don't own Twilight.

* * *

**

**Death Four: Darkness is Sexier Than Edward**

Bella and Edward were on a midnight stroll. "Oh, Edward! Look at the beautiful stars! So many..." Bella stared, mesmerized by the millions of dots in the sky.

"Not as beautiful as you, my dear."

Bella blushed. "Oh, stop." She giggled.

Edward squeezed her hand. "No, you stop!"

Giggles. "No, you stop!"

A manly chuckle. "No, you stop!"

"No, you – " But she was cut off.

"Shut up! Oh my god, I can't take it anymore!" The couple turned around, Edward snarling and Bella whimpering. They squinted through the darkness and suddenly a dark figure misted into their views. They both jumped.

"Seriously! Do you guys know how annoying it is to follow you around? I was just looking for a quick meal, but if it means I have to stalk you guys for just another _second_, I think I'll just starve!" the shadow snarled, not quite visible in color yet.

Bella was appalled. "Excuse me? We are _not _annoying." She crossed her arms.

The figure growled, making Edward growl, making Bella quiver. "Yes! And I'm done with this shit! You guys are lucky, you get to live another day." The figure started to shrink in size. To the size of a...bat?

"Batman?" Bella asked.

"No, you imbecile! I'm Dracula. _Dracula._"

"Shut the front door! No way? He's a vampire too!" Bella pointed to Edward, who was now shocked beyond belief. Dracula is real?

Dracula went into his human form again, colors included. Well, just a few colors. He was extremely pale, yes. And his eyes shone red, hungry, and very very angry. His long curly hair was pitch black, blending in with the night sky. His cape rippled in the slight breeze. Dracula was quite breath-taking. Bella's heart stuttered. What was she saying again? Oh dear, who was this auburn-haired boy's name again? Wasn't she in love with him? Naw...

"You're a vampire?" Dracula purred. Bella started to freak. Why couldn't she remember anything? Why?

Edward nodded. "The great Edward Cullen. You know, from the Twilight books."

Dracula's eyes flashed. (sexy much? Bella's eyes widened, and she fought to control her breathing. Knock if off, Isabella Swan!) "You are Edward Cullen?" Edward Cullen nodded.

Dracula stood still for a moment, then he struck. He sunk his teeth deep into Edward's neck, and _riiiiiiiiiiiiip_ed it off. Blood spilled all over Bella, and she screamed, trying to get it off. Dracula threw the mangled body of Edward across the street. There were many cracks, and Bella winced at every one.

Dracula wasn't finished yet. He ran (even faster than Edward) to the deceased vampire and spat on his bloody body.

"Poser!"


	5. The Monster in the Lake

**A.N. Well, I had something else planned for this death, but I thought it was just a tid bit too serious. I thought it might actually make you cry! Yes, I know that's a shocker since most of you are reading this to _see_Edward to die, but still. It was quite a read, that death. So I decided to go with something more...funny. Ha ha**

**Enjoy! I wrote this just for you. Yes, even YOU!**

**Disclaimer: Who cares about disclaimers? Oh, I'm sure the person I singled out above wants to know if I own Twilight or not. So no, YOU, I don't own Twilight.

* * *

**

**Death five: The Monster in the Lake**

Our couple of the hour was walking along the lake shore. Edward sighed.

"What is it, dear Edward?" Bella asked, petting his pretty little head.

"It's just...I haven't seen our daughter in _so _long. I must see her, dear Bella! I must!" Bella leaned back, shocked.

"Okay, okay. Calm down. We'll go back now if you want to, jeez. I thought we were having 'quality time' together as man and wife, but I guess not!" Bella wrenched her hand away and started to storm away.

Edward looked at her back, distressed and confused. "I thought you didn't PMS anymore?"

Bella whipped around, pissed. "You bastard!" And she turned around again, all dramatically of course. You can't have drama without the right amount of zazz in all your entrances and exits.

"Bella! Bella, dear, wait!" Edward got up to follow her, quickly grabbing her arm and stopping her. "I didn't mean it, I swear! I love you, I want to spend time with _you _right now, not Nessie."

Bella still looked appalled. "Oh, so now your daughter isn't important anymore? You're a terrible father!" She ripped her hand away from him _again._

Edward growled. "Knock it off! Yes, my daughter is important! I thought you wanted to spend quality time together as man and wife?"

Bella had tears start to prick her eyes. "No, Edward! We need to spend time with our daughter. Together. As a family! Why can't you understand?"

Edward stared for a moment, shook his head, then stared some more. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Bella sniffled (the tears escaped) "You bastard!" She started to storm off again.

"Really, are you sure it isn't that time of the month? I don't even know what you're so angry at!" Edward threw his hands up, exasperated.

Bella turned around _yet again. _"Edward Cullen, I hate you! I think I made a mistake when I chose you over Jacob..."

Edward threw his hands up. "Whoa, whoa, WHOA! What are you _talking _about? I thought we were talking about Nessie! What – " but he never got to finish his sentence. Maybe it was Bella's menstrual cycle that woke it, or maybe it was the fact that Edward kept saying its name, but either way, it woke up, and it woke up _pissed._

The Lochness monster splashed out of the water, _RAWR_ing at all that saw it emerge. The monster went straight to the red-haired man. Spectators say that, even though the lake monster went for a _man_, he screamed like a _girl. _They say that there was a blood curling scream a little after the killing of the man/girl. Whatever 'it' was.

**-0-0-0-0-**

Bella walked through the thresh hold in a daze. "Bella? Bella, what's wrong? Where's Edward?" Jacob started to pester her. She was too quiet, her eyes too vacant. Jacob called everyone downstairs.

Soon, all the Cullen's had assembled around Bella. "Bella?" Jasper shook her. "Bella, where is Edward?"

"Dead," she whispered, no preamble.

"Dead?" Alice gasped. Esme gasped and buried her head in Carlisle's shoulder.

"How?" Emmett choked out.

"N-Nessie." Bella was barely heard.

Just then, Renesmee walked in.

"Hey mommy! What's wrong?" Bella, still shocked about her loss, started to walk outside in a daze. Everyone else stared wide eyed at the daughter of Bella and Edward.

Then, oh so slowly, they started to back away...


	6. The Doom Song!

**A.N. Most people find this one to be a little too ridiculous. I still love it! But you can't base the goodness of this chapter on **_**my **_**opinion (since I was the one who **_**wrote **_**it) so you'll just have to see for yourself.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Imaginary number? The squareroot of -1. How many times I own Twilight? -1. Did that make sense? -1.**

* * *

**Death six: The Doom Song!**

Bella was fast asleep, dreaming about stalking a man. She was just about to catch him when...

_Clank. Clank. CLANK! _Was someone throwing rocks at her window? She got out of bed and opened her window.

Edward didn't seem to see her. "Clank! Clank!" he was shouting.

"Edward, what are you doing?" Bella rubbed away the sleep from her eyes.

"I couldn't find any rocks."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

A really awkward silence.

"So...what are you doing here?" Bella asked, now very much angry.

"I'm here to sing to you," Edward said with no emotion. Would he be singing like that too? Oh well, it's the thought that counts.

"Really? Oh my gosh, that's so sweet!" Bella gushed, blushing profusely. She didn't think boys actually did this! This is definitely a diary moment! "What are you going to sing?"

Edward tapped his chin. "Hmm. This song." Throat clear-age. Begin song. "'Imagine me and you, I do. I think about you day and night, it's on – '"

"Stop stop stop. I don't like that song," Bella complained. "It's too old."

Edward frowned. "Okay...um, how's this? 'My friend's got a girlfriend and he hates that bitch – '"

"No." Did he just call her a bitch?

"'You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset. She's going off – " Edward sang with a little bit of question in is voice.

"Um, okay, stop. Ew."

"'I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover. I love you forev – '"

Bella put her hands on her hips, and gave him a death glare. "Excuse me?"

"Sorry! Sorry, I was just singing a song I knew." Edward was getting frustrated. Why couldn't she just love the songs, dammit? "Hmm, how about this?" He cleared his throat. "'I used to know her brother but I never knew I loved her 'til the day she laid her eyes on me'," She didn't object, and her eyes softened, so he kept going. "'Now I'm jumping up and down – '"

_**BANG!**_

Edward fell to the ground, a huge gaping hole in his chest. Blood pooled all over Bella's grass. Bella screamed and screamed and screamed...

A man walked out of the bushes. A big man. Jacob? He pointed the gun at Edward and shot again. Rule number four: Double tap. Bella detached her gaze from her fallen love to the man who had fallen him.

"Why did you do that?" she screamed at him. Tears we starting to fall from her face. Jacob glared at Edward, then looked up at Bella.

"Because it's my turn." His turn...? "'Footloose! Every cut-everybody cut! Everybody cut footloose!'"

* * *

**Song List! (that I suggest you listen to) I don't own these songs**

1. Happy Together **The Turtles**

2. Why Don't You Get A Job? **The Offspring**

3. You Belong With Me **Taylor Swift **(I used to not like her. Now I kinda love her)

4. Love Drunk **Boys Like Girls**

5. Moment of Truth **FM Static**

6. Footloose **Kenny Loggins**


	7. Who Done It?

**A.N. I love this one. Really, I do.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Only boring people get bored. What? Oh, and I don't own Twilight either.

* * *

**

**Death Seven: Who Done It?**

The Cullen's were huddled together in the foyer. Bella was sobbing uncontrollably, Rosalie was in Emmett's arms, and Esme was in Carlisle's arms. Jasper was holding Alice.

Noticing that everyone had someone except her, Bella sobbed even more.

"Ms. Swan? I would like to ask you a few questions," Officer Tyrant said. He escorted her away from the family.

"How did you come to find the body?" he asked, note pad in hand.

She sniffled. "Well, I was waiting for Edward to...to..." she choked, and the cop tried to hide his impatient sigh. "To come over to my house. He's never late, and the clock said 7:01. I got worried."

Officer Tyrant nodded, writing it down. "And what time was he supposed to meet you at your house? 6:30?" he guessed. She shook her head.

"7:00."

He cocked an eyebrow. "I see...go on."

"So I got worried, and called Alice."

"And?"

Bella sniffled. "She said she thought he was with me, and I said no, and she said 'oh' and I was like 'yeah' and she said 'Where do you think he is?' and I said 'I dunno' and she was like 'Well, maybe you should come over' and I was like 'Ok', so I came over and...and...and...I...I...I...I-I-I-I-I-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII – !"

"My God, woman, spit it out!"

"I found him dead on the lawn!" she screamed, and buried her head in her hands. Alice came dashing in (as humanly as possible) and led her away from Officer Tyrant.

The officer stroked his beard in thought. "Hmm. Lola, what were their alibis again?"

Lola got out the sheet with the alibis on them. "Let's see...ah, here they are:

Alice's alibi: 'Out in the forest with Jasper.'

Bella's alibi: 'Wait-wait-wait-wait-ing-ing-ing for my love to come to meeeeeeee!' *uncontrollable sobbing*****

Emmett's alibi: 'I was...riding. Riding...a horse.'

Rosalie's alibi: 'I was having sex.'

Carlisle's alibi: 'Doctor's office.'

Esme's alibi: 'Redecorating the house.'

Jasper's alibi: 'Getting some fresh air in the forest with Alice.'"

He continued to stroke his beard. "You think the two in the forest could've done it?"

Lola thought as well. "Well, it's possible. I'd have to examine the body more. Care to join me?"

They went to the body.

* * *

"Why did you tell them you were 'riding a horse'?" Esme asked Emmett.

"No need to make public my sexual life."

"They could be thinking you did it!"

"I did do _it_."

**-0-0-0-0-**

"What were guys doing in the forest? We went out to eat yesterday!" Esme asked Jasper and Alice.

"Um...we were riding some horses."

"What the hell is wrong with you guys? All of you!"

**-0-0-0-0-**

"Esme, you were gone all day. You weren't redecorating the house. Where did you go?"

"Uh...no where."

"Did you ride some horses too?"

"No!"

"Actually dear, we did."

Bella began to cry even harder.

**-0-0-0-0-**

"Um, Cullen's? We have something for you to come look at." Officer Tyrant led them outside to the body.

"Look at this."

He pointed to the spot next to Edward. Everyone looked down and were shocked at what they found.

"Is that a...?"

"Weird..."

"Bella, is that your Biology book?"

"I left it at school! In Mr. Banner's room."

…

"Mr. Banner!"

* * *

Everyone watched as they arrested Mr. Banner.

"Why did you do it? Why?" Bella asked. Screamed at him.

"He was too smart."

"I hate you!" Bella screamed at his face, then slapped him.

"Isabella Swan, control yourself!"

"Sorry."

"I don't regret it!" Mr Banner yelled. "And I would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids! And that stupid dog!"

Jacob materialized out of no where. "Hey!"


	8. What Video Games Do To You

**A.N. Hey! I was waiting as long as I could before I starting referencing things, but I could wait no longer. So if you don't understand why some of the things I put in here are funny, then I would gladly explain!**

**A noob is a person who is new at something, and doesn't know anything about what's going on. You don't know how to play poker? You're a noob at poker. It's a huge gamer term.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I love you all! But do I own Twilight? Mmm...nope. Nor do I own Call of Duty. If you have never seen a man play Call of Duty, then you will not know what I'm talking about, but just know, I'm not exaggerating. I actually toned it down. Yeah, I know!

* * *

**

**Death Eight: What Video Games Do To You**

Bella knocked on the door. She sighed heavily.

Rosalie answered. "Oh. Hey Bella." She opened the door wider for her to come through.

"Hey, Rosalie." Small talk was awkward and unnecessary. Bella was only here for one reason. "How's he doing?"

"Not well. We thought it was going down. Me and Alice were so close! But it was just a false alarm." Bella nodded. They were always false alarms.

The two girls started to walk to the game room. Alice found them and started to follow. "Hey Bella," Alice said, all depressed.

Bella nodded in greeting. She wasn't in the mood to talk.

They got closer to the room, and Bella heard the gun fire. "Oh, oh, what do you think of that shit? That's right, noobs! I kill you!" they faintly heard Edward screaming.

Bella sighed. "How close did you get? It seems worse than it was last time."

Alice gave a small smile, and it made Bella feel much better. No one's seen Alice smile since _it _came out.

"We starting yelling out random words to get his attention. Things like 'James is back! Emmett broke the piano! Bella's preggers!' But he ignored us."

"So we tried to get to his man side of him," Rosalie continued for her. "We started yelling 'Sex! Penal! Weenus! Naked Bella!'" Bella snorted. "But still, nothing!"

"And then we said 'boobs.'" Bella perked up. That'll get any guys' attention! "He looked up, and we thought we had him!...then he said 'Noobs?'"

The trio sighed. "So close. We tried it a few more times, but he knew what we were doing by then."

Bella lowered her head. They were standing outside the room, too afraid to go in. But now they had to.

"Hey, Edward. How are you?" Bella asked.

"Fine. Can't you see I'm b-b-b-busy?"

Bella looked at the girls, shocked. "When did he pick up a stutter?" They shrugged, baffled.

"You whore! Are you camping? What a noob." Edward yelled at the screen. _"_Did you guys here that? JacobGoesPoop is a noob. _Noob!"_

Bella smelled the air and took a few steps away from Edward.

"When was the last time you showered?" she asked.

"I dunno. Oh! Oh! I got the AA-12, bitches! Can't touch me now!" He leaned forward on the couch. Bella got a good look at his eyes.

They skipped fully passed black and went straight to white. "When was the last time you _ate_?"

Edward shrugged. "I dunno. You smell good, by the way. Ah! Whoa whoa whoa, did you see that? Huh? That was epic!"

Bella sighed again. "Edward..."

He froze. Bella thought that maybe he was just so hungry he was gonna eat her. Hey, she'd take it if it meant he would stop playing the damned game. But instead he dropped his controller. "B-B-Bella..." and he fell to the floor, landing in his own filth.

Bella frowned, then went over to him. She shook his shoulder. "Edward? Edward, wake up." He didn't stir. Didn't nothing.

Bella turned back around and looked at the vampire sisters. They stared wide eyed at him as well.

"Is he...?"

"Yeah."

Silence. Everyone looked at each other. What should they do now?

"You guys wanna play?" Alice asked.

They shrugged. "Sure."

Kicking aside the dead body of ECHammer1901, they picked up the controller and started a new match,


	9. Love and Strawberries

**A.N. This one is my second favorite one, almost my first. I truly do lerv it. **

**For the sake of this death, Edward can't read minds. And this one is longer than usual, but I feel it's purty good.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Well, I do own that time of day when the sun hits just below the horizon, but Twilight? Naw, I don't own that.

* * *

**

**Death Nine: Love and Strawberries**

Everything was going perfect for our heroine. No, I don't mean _that _heroine (but ask me about later...) I mean our girl hero, Bella.

She had the best dead boyfriend anyone could hope for. Good grades, great friends, perfect father. What could possibly go wrong?

Xandra. That poured a whole gallon of black paint on Bella's perfect picture.

Bella was eating lunch with the Cullen's. Alice was telling her about the killer Kohl's sale. She was barely listening. I mean, Edward was _right _next to her. How was she supposed to concentrate on anything besides swooning and breathing?

Now, Edward's love for Bella had to do with her blood, and...that's about it. I mean, her personality? You mean her lack there of. Her taste in things? Boring much? Her ability to take care of herself? It amazed him how she could even take a shower.

Now, Edward didn't used to think that. Not until he met Xandra. Bella, staring at Edward as per usual, didn't notice the strange girl walking in. Edward did, and he tilted his head to the side.

"What? What is it?" What grabbed his attention and how could she get it back?

"Who's that? She has a cool shirt," Edward said. He didn't look too interested. He was just curious.

Bella squinted at the girl with the cool shirt that said 'That's how I roll!' with a picture of a roller skate on it. "That's Xandra. She's okay. I mean, she's funny, but she's too loud for my taste."

"What, does she yell in your ear?" Emmett asked.

Bella laughed, merrily as ever. "No, silly! She's just always hyper." The conversation was dropped after that. Yet the girl still held Edward's attention. She was really pretty, mid-back black hair with white streaks everywhere. She had thick make-up around her eyes, and she was wearing skin tight black jeans.

Did her blood smell as delicious as Bella's? No. And yet, her aura held Edward's attention more than Bella's bodily fluids could. He frowned. What was happening? He shook his head and put his full attention on Bella, not Xandra. And it worked for the rest of the day, and all through the night.

Until he saw her at school again the next morning. And get this! He saw her in the halls, and he tried to read her shirt again. She caught him staring and _she smiled at him. _Didn't blush! Didn't smell her hair to see if it smelt bad! Didn't even notice the color of his eyes! She just smiled and kept walking. Edward tried to keep his pace steady. Was that smile supposed to mean something? What? What? _What?_

He pushed it from his mind once he saw Bella. Bella is the one you love! Bella!

**-0-0-0-0-**

Weeks passed. Edward kept telling himself he loved Bella every time Xandra was in the room. He tried to ignore that urge to stare at her (even though he failed every time). Tried to control himself from going over there and just talking to her.

He didn't want to eat her. Nor did he want to smell her or stalk her. He just wanted to talk to her. For her to know that he existed.

What the _hell _is going on with him?

Bella seemed to notice his strange behavior because she started to hate Xandra for no apparent reason. She would glare whenever she entered the room, mutter under her breath at everything Xandra said, and dissed her shoes all the time.

Edward was getting annoyed at Bella and himself. What was this _Xandra _doing to them?

And since when was _Xandra _more attractive than Bella?

Oh God.

**-0-0-0-0-**

One day, he couldn't take it any longer. Xandra was with her friends talking and Edward just happened to hear what they were talking about.

"Why do guys in books always say that the girl smelt like strawberries?" Her posse laughed, and she smirked, proud of her workings of the crowd. "I mean, we _do _buy other perfume. And other kinds of shampoo and conditioner. Is it just like, a guy code thing? 'All girls smell like strawberries!' Come to think of it, do they even _make _strawberry perfume?" The group of girls looked around at each other, then they giggled.

Edward, thinking about how he thought Bella smelt like strawberries, couldn't help himself. He put himself in with that group of girls and, looking straight at Xandra, he said, "I think you smell like apples. _Green _apples." All the girls stared wide eyed in shock, and Xandra just started laughing. Edward, proud of his work, grinned back his special grin, and left the group in search of Bella.

Too bad he didn't know that Bella had seen the whole encounter through vastly narrowed eyes. She even growled once. That grin was for her and her only. How could he?

Oh, he's going to pay.

Going.

To.

Pay.

**-0-0-0-0-**

Edward went through Bella's window, but was much surprised when he found her bed empty.

He smelled the air and...turned around. There she was holding a...

A...

Ball and chain?

"Edward, what the hell? I thought we were supposed to be together forever. Forever." She started to leave the corner, making him back up. He hit the desk. He tripped over his own feet. He stepped back and back and back, Bella still talking. "And then I see you with this _other _girl, giving _her _that crooked smile. What am I supposed to do, Edward? What?"

He hit a wall. She starting to swing her ball and chain, the spikes deadly in the moonlight.

"I-I don't kn-know Bella. I – "

"No! You have to lines in this play. You only have one part, and it's the part where this ball hits you in the head."

Edward's eyes shot out of their sockets, except not really. She swung it in a huge arc, and before Edward could realize that she was being serious, he was hit. And the whole world went black for the last time.

Bella stared at the blood drifting down the floor, through the cracks of the wood floor. She smirked.

"I smell like strawberries, bitch. Now, where does Xandra live?"


	10. Dissing again?

**A.N. I have no idea why Bella is so evil in this one. I don't even say what her motives were, because I don't know what they are myself. You'll see! Side note: Previously, I had 'Bill' as the best vampire ever. It has now been indefinitely changed to Eric. Swoon.**

**Enjoy! Please ignore the randomness and frivolousness of this chapter, please.**

**Disclaimer: Hello. My name is Aces and Eights. I don't own Twilight (or the other TV shows I mentioned). You killed my father. Prepare to die!**

**

* * *

**

**Death Ten: Dissing again?**

"So...Emmett. What is your favorite TV show?" Bella asked him. All the Cullen's were assembled around the kitchen table. Bella came over saying she had some 'questions' for them.

Emmett raised his eye brows for a second, then lowered them. "Oh. Well...uh, I would have to go with _Blues Clues." _Bella nodded. Rosalie whipped her head to her husband and glared. She opened her mouth to protest, but Bella had moved on.

"Alice?"

"Uh..._CSI." _But it sounded like a question. Why was Bella asking this question? Esme looked at Alice with a raised eyebrow.

She nodded. "I see. Jasper?"

"..."

"Jasper?" Bella looked at him expectantly.

"..._True Blood," _he snorted.

"Esme?"

"_About A Girl."_

Alice squealed. "Too bad they canceled it. I loved that show!"

Esme nodded. "I know! Like – "

"Stop!" Bella shouted. She turned to Rosalie. "Rosalie?"

Rose looked around. "Uh...I'd rather not say." Emmett elbowed her. He gave her a look; she sighed and answered, "_Avatar: The Last Airbender_..."

Jasper snorted this time.

It didn't even faze Bella. "Carlisle?"

"_Becker,_" he answered quick and sure.

"Edward?"

"_Glee. _Or _Gilmore Girls. _It's at a cross between the two."

Bella looked around the room, as if waiting for something to happen. Meanwhile, everyone stared at Edward.

Bella smirked. 3...2...1...

The room exploded.

"_Gilmore Girls? _Gilmore Girls? That is the gayest show _ever!"_

"Well at least it's not _Blues Clues!_"

"Hey! That show is very educational!"

"Oh yes! We're all very glad that you know your shapes now, Emmy!"

"Hey, at least my show wasn't canceled!"

"Don' be dissing the _About A Girl_! Did you ever seen that show? Huh? Did you see Jason? I didn't think so."

"Jasper, what the hell is up with you liking _True Blood?"_

"It has a good story line."

"Please! You only watch it for the sex!"

"Emmett!"

"I don't watch it for the sex! I watch it for the – "

"Nudity?"

"No!"

"Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex!"

"That is no language for a 91 year old, young man!"

"Sorry."

"_Avatar? _Why do you watch that show? It's so stupid!"

"No it's not! It's very...pretty."

"At least there's no sex."

"It don't watch it for the sex!"

"I'm on team Zutara."

"Me too!"

"Mmmm...Jason..."

"Do you like Noah or Fin?"

"Noah, hands down."

"He's a jerk!"

"He's sweet!"

"Did you just say sweet? Gay..."

"So's your mom."

"Hey!" Esme chirped.

"You're a doctor! Why do you need to watch _Becker_?"

"Because! It's...funny."

"At least it isn't a cartoon."

"Shut up! It's a good fucking show!"

"Sure it is. And everyone loves Bob Saget."

"Sex!"

"Shut up! It has a good story line! Bill and Eric – "

"Oh my god! It's a gay porn show?"

"I swear to god, I will _kill _you!"

"At least Eric's a real vampire!"

Frozen. Bella's smirk wiped clean off her face.

What.

Did.

Edward.

Just.

Say.

In.

A.

Room.

Full.

Of.

Vampires?

"Edward...could you say that again, please?" Carlisle asked. Edward stared wide eyed and scared. Carlisle nodded. "That's what I thought you said."

The next second Edward was thrown out the window/wall, and all the Cullen's had commenced in beating the shit out of him.

Once the Cullen's were done burying the body, they went inside to see that Bella was still there. She smirked.

"My work here is done." And she left.


	11. I Got Your Life in My Hands!

**A.N. So how many of you wanted a Harry Potter one? Maybe most of you, I'm not sure. But here it is! Now, when I think of a Harry Potter fic, I think of Hogwarts and such, so I figured that's what you would think too. Well, this one isn't like that. So I hope you all like it.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I try to write one creatively every time, but I don't think people have two thumbs and give a crap anymore. So...I don't own Twilight! Was that uncreative enough for you?**

* * *

**Death Eleven: I Got Your Life in My Hands! I Got Your Life in My Hands!**

"Edward..."

"Yes?" The couple was walking down the street on their way to the book store.

"D–this is gonna sound like a silly question but...Did you stalk me?"

"What?"

"You know: follow me around, learn my schedule, fantasize about fu – "

"Ah! Uh...No. Why would I do that?" Edward started to get sketchy. How did she find out? What took her so long?

"I was just curious." The rest of the way was in silence. Until a snake showed up on their path. "Eek!" Bella shrieked, and Edward threw himself in front of Bella.

"Stay back...snake!"

The snake materialized into a man. Bella started. "Batman?"

"No! Ralph Fiennes."

"You look too evil to have the name Ralph Fiennes."

"My name is pronounced 'Ray Fines'," the snake man said.

"But that's not how it's spelled! It's _spelled _R-A**-L-**"

"I know how it's spelled!" Ralph/Ray rubbed his temples. "You know what? Just call me Voldemort. Oh, but wait!_" _Voldemort glared at Edward. _"_Your hubby already knew that, didn't he?"

"You know him?" Bella frowned, trying to figure out how this strange man knew her husband. Then she noticed something. "What happened to your nose?"

That seemed to anger him more than he already was. "My nose? _My nose? _This little bastard _stole _my nose!"

"You stole his nose? How?"

Voldemort snorted out of his slits. "How did he steal my nose...how else do people steal noses?" He started to pace furiously, his cloak flapping this way and that. His voice had grown in anger and volume, and Bella shrank in size.

"He put his stupid middle finger and index finger knuckles around my nose and just _pluck_ed if off! Just like that! Then, proud of his victory, he started taunting me. 'I got your nose! I got your nose!'" He stopped and pulled out a stick. He grinned evilly. "Well, now it's payback time."

Bella, still confused as to _why _Edward stole He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's nose, didn't know what those two words meant when Voldemort yelled, "_Avada kedavra!" _Edward fell to the ground, frozen with death.

Bella screamed. "Eddy-kins!" She ran to his body. Voldemort shook his head, frowning. "What?" Bella asked.

"Sorry. Deja vu for some reason..."

"My dear, sweet Edward! You killed him! I'll kill you, you bastard! Where's a stick, I need a stick!" Bella looked around frantically, finally coming up with a victorious grin at the twig she found.

He used the killing curse on her too. The world's been a better place.


	12. A Flat Death

**A.N. This one is totally random. Before I published this story, I was still had ot think up many deaths. This is one of the original ideas.**

**Enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

**Death Twelve: A Flat Death**

"Your _what_?" Edward bellowed as they walked the 12 blocks to the movie theater.

"I'm team Jacob," Bella said as if _he _was the one going crazy.

"But I'm Edward! You love _me_!"

Bella snorted. "I know I love you, idiot! But do you see how ugly you are in the movies?"

"I am NOT ugly!" Edward crossed his arms, offended.

"But your actor is! And did you see his hair? Oh my god! It was like looking at a not-quite-all-the-way-shaved Chewbacca!" Bella ranted, her 'Real men don't sparkle' shirt shimmering from the reflection of Edward's skin. Hey, the secrets out. They can walk in the sun now!

"Hey, Jacob wasn't any better either. His hair? Does he not know how to brush it?"

"No! Don't diss him!"

"How can you be team Jacob? You married _me."_

She rolled her eyes. "I know who I married. It's just...okay, so in the books, I'm team Edward. But the movie? Totally and one hundred percent team Jacob. I don't even want to see movie Edward naked." She shuddered at the thought, along with everyone else who is reading this.

Edward stroked his beard. "I suppose that'll have to do. Jacob is quite the sight in the movies, at the risk of making myself sound gay."

"You always sound gay," Bella said under her breath, forgetting that he could still hear her.

"What?"

"What?"

"Wha – " but he didn't get to finish his thought. Why? How? What was he gonna say? Oooo, the suspense!

Why couldn't he finish? Because, at that precise moment, someone had dropped a piano out their window. Why people decide to drop their pianos out the window is beyond me, but it still happened.

And it happened to squish our dear Edward flat.

And his blood spattered all over our dear Bella, who screamed for about five minutes, then continued walking, pulling out a wet nap from her purse.

What? You think she's gonna get a bad seat to opening night to the movie with all of those half naked men in it because her _husband _just died?

Psh.


	13. Italian Men Are Sexy

**A.N. Hey! Keep in mind for this one and future onces, ****I am a ginormous nerd. So when I need conversations for my peeps, I think of nerdy things. So today's topic is! You'll see...**

**Enjoy! I'd like to thank a little spider for this idea...**

**Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue, I know you love me, but I must tell thee; I don't own Twilight.

* * *

**

**Death Thirteen: Italian Men Are Sexy**

All of the Cullen siblings were walking around town. It was late, so they didn't have to worry about revealing themselves. They were all having a good laugh.

"Who was your first video game crush?" someone asked.

"Oh, Hopper, hands down," Bella said.

"Hopper?" Emmett asked. Jasper tried to hide his chuckle from Bella.

"You know, from _Animal Crossing. _He's a penguin. A cute penguin..." Bella tilted her head to the side, fantasizing.

Emmett snorted, of course. "I dunno, I think I'd have to go with Chung Li from _Street fighter_."

"Me too!" Jasper and Edward said at the same time. Rosalie smacked Emmett in the chest.

"Why her? Because she's half naked?" she asked. All three men nodded. "Whatever. Mine would have to be Luigi."

"Nuh uh! There is nothing to him! He's so...2D," Alice said. Everyone looked at her in shock.

"Well, _Alice_," Rosalie sneered, "If you feel so strongly about it, why don't you say who _your _first video game crush was."

"Fine, I will. Actually, I don't remember who my first was, but I know who it is _now._" They all looked at her expectantly. " Ezio...," she sighed romantically.

Everyone first had to think who that was (_Assassin's Creed II_) then they had to remember what he looked like, then they had to hold back their laughs.

Edward was the first to explode. "Him? _Him_?" He started to laugh like crazy. "Oh my god, Alice! I had no idea you had a thing for killers." Brothers can be such jerks sometimes!

Alice glared. "At least mine isn't an _animal. _Or a one-sided Italian plumber! Do you fantasize about seeing his butt crack all the time, Rosalie?" Rosalie opened her mouth to yell back, but Alice beat her to it. "I know, I know. I've seen you try to call him on the phone to try to get him to fix our broken toilet. How many bean burritos did you eat that day? I think I counted 10 in one hour. I now understand."

Emmett looked at his girlfriend and mouthed the word "Ten...?" Rosalie blushed (Bella thinks).

"No! I don't eat that! She's lying!"

Edward tried to get the making-fun-of back on Alice. No need to get them into a girl fight. "Your guy is Italian too, Alice. _And _yours had a sex scene. How was that for you? Did you imagine yourself in that girl's position?"

"Edward, shut up!" She pushed him. Yeah, she was stark raving mad, and she _shoved _him. Hard.

Into a row of motorcycles. They all fell over from the domino effect. And if that wasn't bad enough, a little fire started at the end of the long line, and with a soft _POOF! t_hey all went up in flames.

Edward, standing up and brushing himself off, turned around to glare at his stupid sister. He was absolutely livid.

"_Alice! Al – _" But once he turned around, none of his family was there.

They left him!

He turned back around to see his damage again, but it was worse than he feared. The whole biker gang (of about 50. 50!) stared at the wreckage behind bitchin' sunglasses. Then they all slowly turned towards Edward. The leader pointed at him. Edward wasn't dumb. He knew what that meant.

He high tailed it out of there.

**-0-0-0-0-**

A couple days later, the body of Edward Cullen was found. Death by beating. The investigators tell us that there were many wounds on him as if he were beaten with a bat. Repeatedly. By about 50 bats. And then he was set on fire.

* * *

**P.S. Ezio is mine. Mine!**


	14. The Fictional Characters Chat Room

**A.N. Hey! So you know how I asked the characters what their favorite TV shows were and such? And their first video game crushes? Well, I forgot to tell you guys that I wanted to know yours too! Don't fret, dear readers, I only kill Edward for his silliness, not you! I just admitted to liking Hopper, so I'm sure you can tell me who your first fictional crush was.**

**Now for the seriousness. I will be bringing in different fictional characters into this one (along with myself) Try to guess who they are?**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I'm much to tired for this boring argument. You guys think I own Twilight, when really I don't. That's that.**

* * *

**Death Fourteen: The Fictional Characters Chat Room**

**ECHammer1901 just signed in.**

**Seaman12 just signed in.**

**Chesty's Superbest Friend just signed in.**

**The Force King just signed in.**

**Vampire Killer just signed in.**

**-0-0-0-0-0-**

**ECHammer1901: **Is this where fictional characters unite?

**Seaman12: **who talks like that? unite...

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **I am not fictional!

**The Force King: **Why are you here then?

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **...because...

**ECHammer1901: **Fine, whatever, I just need to talk to someone. I fell in love! I am in –

**Vampire Killer: **Blah blah blah. Get on with the shit.

**ECHammer1901: **...Excuse me? Are you a _real _vampire killer?

**Vampire Killer: **Yes. Why, do you know one? Shit! Fuck! I'm so useless! I need to act tough. I need to act like a boy.

**Cehsty's Superbest Friend: **Why are you swearing so much?

**Vampire Killer: **Because! I...don't know any other adjectives!

**Seaman12: **wow you guys are weird

**ECHammer1901: **Her name is Bella, and she loves me even if I am a monster.

**Vampire Killer: **Bump in the night! Fuck! Ass!

**The Force King: **Swearing leads to anger, anger leads to-

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **I love you.

**The Force King: **What?

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **What?

**Seaman12: **dude whats ECHammer1901 talking about? i never know whats going on

**Vampire Killer: **Clearly, because guys are stupid. Shit! Bump in the night! My dad!

**Seaman12: **what are you talking about?

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **She gets like this all the time. Really annoying.

**Vampire Killer: **I hate being useless! Stupid dipshit!

**ECHammer1901: **Do you have tourettes?

**Vampire Killer: **Are you a stupid bitch? That's what I thought. I hate being useless. I am a heartless woman.

**The Force King: **The force is strong with this one. But toward the dark side, I think she is.

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **I love you.

**The Force King: **What?

**ECHammer1901: **I wish Bella were here...

**Vampire Killer: **I need to get out of this fucking place! I hate it! Balls! I don't need to go to class, bitch. I already know _everything._

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **You annoy me.

**Seaman12: **you all annoy me. oh crap where did my pen go?

**The Force King: **Under your bed, the sword is

**Seaman12: **your good.

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **I love you.

**The Force King: **What?

**ECHammer19O1: **Isabella Swan!

**Vampire Killer: **Vampires should all rot in hell, those bags of shit! My dad! I killed him! Act tough, suck it up! Despair! -sob-

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **I think you should stop repeating yourself.

**Vampire Killer: **Stupid bitch! Choosing between two men is hard!

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **Don't choose the one with the uni-brow. Choose the one who says really sweet things to you ALL THE TIME!

**Vampire Killer: **But I like uni-brow! Ass! Knife in my ass cheek pocket!

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **Oh my god, just say your back pocket!

**Vampire Killer: **Ass cheek!

**ECHammer190: **Wait, I know you! Your that short green guy!

**The Force King: **-nod-

**Chesty's Superbest Friend: **I love you.

**The Force King: **I know.

**Aces and Eights: **-faints-

**ECHammer1901: **He's not _that _cool.

**Seaman12: **!

**Vampire Killer: **!Shit!

**Chesty's Superbest Friend has left the chat.**

**ECHammer1901: **What did I say?

**The Force King: **Your death soon, I see

**ECHammer1901: **What?

**Seaman12: **and you say i'm an idiot

**Vampire Killer: **Wait...you're a vampire! Fuck face!

**ECHammer1901: **Took you long enough

**The Force King: **-sighs sadly-

**ECHammer1901 has logged off. Permanently.**


	15. Stupidity Activity

**A.N. So, has everyone seen New Moon? And (even though I knew it wasn't gonna happen, and I am on team Edward) how many of you wanted her to choose Jacob anyways? Oooo, pick me! Pick me! Okay, back on topic. VampireKiller in the last one was Dru from the Strange Angels trilogy, and I just dramatized her for effect. Although she does annoy me occasionally, I don't hate her and I looove those books! Don't you?**

**This is for everyone who has seen _Paranormal Activity_**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Did you know that it is considered unlucky to ask a man who is going fishing where he is going? Yes, this really is true in Ireland! Did you know that I don't own Twilight? Yes, this is really true all around the world!

* * *

**

**Death Fifteen: Stupidity Activity**

Bella was cowering in fear. "Oh my god, oh my god. Ahh!" she screamed in her high pitched voice. But the person next to her had a more girly scream. The man next to the couple turned and glared. Bella smiled sheepishly and apologized. She then turned to her partner and hit him in the shoulder. "Edward, you be quiet and watch the movie!" she hissed.

He nodded, still freaked out. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just hate the night scenes! I mean, did you see that? The door moved!" Edward held Bella close to his chest.

Bella grimaced. "Yeah...well, shut up. I'm trying to watch this."

Through the rest of the movie, Bella screamed a couple of times, and she couldn't even watch the end. She buried her head in Edward's chest. Actually...no, she didn't, but she wanted to. Edward left around the time when the demon smashed the picture and it breathed on the woman. He started to cry and well...left. Bella snorted, but didn't leave. She just had to know what happened!

Then Bella went home, Edward clinging to her tightly, asking over and over how the movie ended.

"No."

"Come on!" he said all ridiculous like, trying to use a puppy dog face but just ended up looking constipated. (Oh wait, that's just his regular face...snicker...)

"No."

"Did they get a rid of it?"

"Maybe we should just go back and watch it."

"No!"

"Then shut up!"

"But I need to know!"

"No!"

"Pleeeeease?"

"...fine."

"Yes!"

"Ok, this is how it ended." She cleared her throat. "The girl – "

"No, I don't want to know."

"Edward, I swear I will kill you!"

It was late at night. It took Bella a while to fall asleep, as she kept thinking she heard footsteps on the stairs, and then she kept feeling like she was being watched.

"Edward, will you stop looking at me?" she asked once she realized she was being watched.

"Why?"

"Because it's freaking me out!" she yelled in a whisper.

"Sorry, sorry," he muttered. Bella sighed then quickly fell asleep. But Edward didn't.

There was a banging from downstairs. Edward flew himself up off the bed, knocking Bella off.

"Dammit, Edward! What the hell?" Bella rubbed her head.

Edward was shaking. "Sorry sorry! Did...did you hear that?" he whispered.

"No, because I was asleep." She crawled back into bed furious. "And I'm going back to being in that position. Can you control yourself this time?" He nodded and slowly went back down. Bella went back to sleep, and Edward found that staring off into space helped him cope.

A couple minutes later...

Bella screamed bloody murder. Edward shot up again, and found that there was a body standing right next to their bed, just staring. Edward also screamed, until he realized that it was just Alice.

"Alice!" Bella screeched, glad that Charlie was out camping so that he didn't have to hear them scream. "What the _hell _is the matter with you? Why were you just standing there? Did you _see Paranormal Activity_?"

Alice shook her head to clear it. "Sorry, I-I got lost. And I thought I saw something...sorry, toodle loo!" And out she went.

Bella's eye twitched. She slowly lowered her head and went back to bed without a word.

An hour later...

Foot steps were coming up the stairs. Edward began to shake, but Bella sure as hell wasn't going to wake up again. The foot steps were getting louder and louder and closer and closer...Edward whimpered. He shook Bella, but she wouldn't wake.

The steps stopped. The door flew open, but Bella didn't wake up. Edward flew out of bed and stood in front of the door.

Nothing...happening...

Edward was absolutely terrified. But since nothing was going on...

He got back into bed.

Moments later...

Bella shot ram rod straight. Edward frowned. "Bella? What are you doing?" She got up, then she turned around and stared at Edward. It was too dark, so Edward couldn't really see her face, but it just didn't seem...normal. Her head tilted to the side. "B-Bella?"

She pulled out a knife from behind her back. She moved swiftly and deadly towards him. Edward's eyes shot up. "Bella–!" but it was too late. The darkness around him consumed him to suffocation, and Edward lived no more.

Bella went back to bed.


	16. Letters to Santas

**A.N. Um...you can just enjoy this one! And go watch some IDEK on the You Tube.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own Nico, but not Per...sorry, wrong book. What I meant to say was I don't own Twilight.

* * *

**

**Death Sixteen: Letters to Santa...'s**

Edward stroked Bella's cheek. "Merry Christmas, my love," he whispered, then gently kissed her.

Bella giggled. "Awww. I love you."

"I love you."

"Mistletoe!" Alice called, and stood ready with a camera. Bella grimaced, but kissed him nonetheless.

"Okay, time for bed. Tomorrow is Christmas morning! And Santa won't come unless you're asleep," Alice scolded. Bella scoffed.

"Oh, suuuure. So what did you get me, Alice? Oh, I mean, what did _Santa _get me?" Alice looked offended.

"Bella, Santa Claus is real. How could you ever doubt it?"

"Um, _because _Alice. It's common knowledge."

"He's real, Bella. Well, more like _they're _real." Alice sat down. She knew she would have to explain this to her.

"Huh?"

"Come come, Bella. Sit down." She patted the seat next to her, and suddenly everyone was around Alice. Yay, story time!

"So, it happened I'm-not-quite-sure-how-long-ago, but someone made a Santa Claus." Bella was still confused.

"Okay, so people can go crazy, right? Well, vampires can turn crazy people into crazy vampires. One vampire did this. Coincidentally, he did it to a person who was obsessed with Santa Claus." Bella's gears started to click.

"No way. So what did the crazy guy do?"

Alice sighed sadly. "Well, he assembled old men. Old _fat _men. He made them grow white beards, made them have very rosy cheeks. Then...he turned them." Everyone stared off into different directions at this.

Bella frowned. "Them?"

Everyone snapped out of their haze. "Well, obviously the world is too big for one Santa. So he made one for every state. Sometimes more. And...they became Santa Clauses."

"But how do they know what the person wants for Christmas?"

Alice shrugged. "Most the time, they guess. Sometimes, their...special powers help them out, but most the time they just shoplift and give."

"How come they don't stop?" Bella asked.

"Because! They get to play Santa Claus! Sure, there are some who get out of it, but most stay. They get to bring joy to the children, and the parents are just loving the fact that they get to save money. These Santas have been around for many centuries, Bella."

Bella nodded, unsure. "Okaaay, Alice. I'll just go to bed then and wait for Santa to come and guess what I want for Christmas." Alice grinned and pushed her in encouragement out the door.

* * *

Bella woke and, despite her initial disbelief, ran down the stairs to just see if it were true. Once she hit the bottom step, she found Edward dead at the bottom of the tree.

Bella screamed. One of the Santas was still there, and he indeed looked like a very merry Santa with blush on. "What the hell?" she yelled at the Santa.

"Someone wrote in their Christmas list that they wanted Edward dead. I also saw your Christmas list." He turned around and ruffled through his bag. He came back up with...

A very handsome man. Who was holding a flute. Bella quirked an eyebrow.

"A handsome fluter. Just like you asked for."

Bella shrieked in anguish. "Damn you! I said I wanted a computer, not a handsome fluter!" She curled herself into the fetal position and bawled her eyes out. Again.

Santa squinted closer at the letter. "Huh. That is what it said. Oh look! Turns out, they didn't want me to kill _Edward, _they wanted me to kill _Rumpelstiltskin_. Whoops."


	17. When Fan Girls Attack

**A.N. So I really appreciate all of you guys giving me your ideas! And don't fret, I will use them. Just after I do this idea. Story note: I'm not sure how accurate _Twilight for Dummies _is, so just pretend. Thanks!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: So I'm playing this game called Harvest Moon: Magical Melody. (yes, so what if a 15 year old is? I admitted in my other story that I play Pokemon) Anyone ever play it? Yes? Well, I own a sheepy, a piggy, and cute wittle doggy named Pups. I don't, however, own Twilight. In the real world or in my fabulous fake world.

* * *

**

**Death Seventeen: When Fan Girls Attack**

"Are you sure?" Bella asked.

He nodded grimly. It needed to be done.

"You know there are like, a million of them out there, right?"

Again, he nodded. Bella sighed. "Okay...if you sure."

"I'm sure. I need to get out of the house and eat, or else I'm gonna eat you, even if you're a vampire now."

This time, Bella nodded solemnly.

They went to the door. Rosalie patted them on the back. "Good luck, my brother. And...my sister." Bella beamed at her, and Rosalie offered a small smile in return. They stepped outside.

It was quiet. Edward sighed in relief. Bella frowned. It was _too _quiet. They waited a couple more minutes, and when nothing happened, they went towards the forest.

Bella was ecstatic. No screeching in delight! No swearing that he was a Gary Stu! (what ever that meant...) No shirts saying that 'Real men Sparkle'! No shirts saying that 'Real Men Don't Sparkle'! No nothing!

Yay!

* * *

They sniffed out a deer. Bella sneered at Edward, challenging him. He smirked back and ran to the deer.

But the deer didn't run, and Edward was suddenly catapulted into the air, thick rope criss-crosses covering is pale skin. Bella screamed, but then she was knocked out (how strong are these fan/non fan girls anyways?) and had a bag thrown over her head.

Edward struggled against the rope, but it was relentless. "How is this not breaking?"

A little girl came out of the trees. She smiled up at him. "I read _Twilight for Dummies. _It's amazing how much they know about Meyerpires." She didn't seem the typical fan girl who was in love with Edward. She seemed the more to hate him.

"Why am I up here?"

The little girl shrugged. "My mom is a tid bit obsessed with you. Oh, and all of these other girls either love you or hate you." She gave him one last terrifying smile (that reminded him of Jane...) and she melted into the shadows of the forest.

"Noooooooooo!" Edward bellowed in anguish as girls upon girls mutated out of the trees. Some of them looked up at him with sparkles of love in their eyes, while others had the flames of hate burning his cold skin. He tried everything to get out of the trap, but nothing worked. The girls started to yell at him.

"Vampires are gay!"

"You're my dream man, Edward!"

"Real men don't sparkle!"

"I moved to Forks to be with you, Edward!"

"Stalking your girlfriend is _not _sexy, it's creepy!"

"I want to have babies with you!"

"Where is that little bitch, Bella? I wanna kill her so Edward will be mine!"

On second thought, maybe he should try to stay up in the tree...

They continued to get worse and worse with their yelling, sometimes even going as far as cat fights (but he wasn't complaining...he is a guy, you know)

The moms made their own little group, pointing and laughing as their daughters fought. Everyone knows that the moms were gonna get Edward! Hellllo?

One girl took it too far. She pulled out a knife in the midst of a cat fight and swung it in a deep arc. The girls all spread far away from her. Edward hoped she was on the 'I love Edward!' side. She turned towards him, and he saw her shirt. Jacob was on it. Shit balls.

"I'm putting an end to this once and for all!" Looking at Edward dead in the eye, she chucked the knife.

It hit its mark, and Edward didn't wake up again. All the girls were frozen in shock, and then the field erupted in cheers and cries of anguish. But was the fighting over? No...

"Team Jacob prevails!"

"But Jacob is supposed to be with Renesmee!"

"Ew! He's supposed to be with Leah!"

!

!

!

I guess fan girls always need something to fight over. It doesn't matter if Edward is gone or not. It's just the way the world works. It's just the way _girls _work. Hello.


	18. Death Shot

**A.N. So I lied. I'm actually gonna do _this _idea, and then go to your ideas! Ha ha, this one is a little short, and really weird. No, I mean _really _weird. I got the idea from my brother's friend, so you can expect it to be just a smudge gross...**

**I also quite apologize, cuz I think this'll be the last one for a while, or until I get the must to continue writing this story. So I won't call this 'Complete', but don't expect me to update anytime soon. I'm sorry!**

**Enjoy! This is just about as stupid as they get. Literally.**

**Disclaimer: What! Did you just ask me? Oh, **_**that. **_**Um, no I don't own Twilight.**

**

* * *

**

**Death Eighteen: Death Shot**

"Edward, have you ever been kicked in the balls?" Bella asked one day.

"Um..." How was he supposed to answer that?

"No? Oh my gosh, you _have _to let me kick you!" Why was she looking so happy?

"Why?" He wasn't liking where this was going.

"Well, I need to see if it hurts! I mean, you might have been kicked while you were human, but that was so long ago that you wouldn't remember the pain. And the only one who's ever gotten close to that...area is me in the past century, so we need to see if it still hurts!"

"Um..."

"I'm gonna do it with or without your consent. It'll make it easier on both of us if you just agreed to let me do this." She sure knows how to get to him. He nodded hesitantly. He stood up slowly and spread his legs.

"Just...get it over with."

She nodded with a wicked smile playing at her lips. She swung her leg back, and Edward squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the blow that he didn't know would hurt or not. But he was a little curious...

But the hit never came. He peeled an eye open, and Bella stood posed in thought. "What? Didn't you want to kick me?" Now he was really anticipating the kick. Would it hurt? Would it _not _hurt? Would it would it would it...

"I think I need bigger shoes..." She ran to Alice's room and was back in a flash, wearing thigh high biker boots. Edward gulped, then stood posed again.

"Ready?" she asked. He nodded, eyes closed again.

She swung back slowly, dragging out the suspense. Then she kicked.

Did it hurt? Did it not hurt? Did Edward double over in agony? Did Edward stand, still waiting for the kick?

No.

He went rigid and his face contorted in immense pain. His eyes crossed, and he fell over.

Did he get up again? Did he curl up into the fetal position?

No.

He just...laid there. His eyes were vacant. His body still. Bella was laughing too hard. Did she notice that he was dead?

Yes.

"Emmett! Emmett!_" _she called between gasps of breath. _"_You gotta come see this! You'll never believe what just happened!"


	19. Total Eclipse of Your Life

**A.N. So...OMG! Hey! I know. It's been like a year. See, the thing is...I ran out of ideas. Well, not really. I just ran out of motivation. But here I am again! And I wrote out a whole list of ideas! I'm not sure how many of them I'll actually _do _before I give up again (and this time for good), but for now, I'll get to hopefully at least 25. **

**Thanks for sticking with me! Enjoy, my lovelies!**

**Disclaimer: ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (On a side note, who else is super peeved that Flapjack was canceled?)**

* * *

**Death 19: Total Eclipse of Your Life**

Our dearly beloveds, we are gathered here today to witness Vampire Edward and plain ol' Bella watch the sun shimmer crystalline across the deep blue ocean. (AKA, see an eclipse by the sea shore)

Today, it was not a lovey-dovey moment. It was just a moment, but it was still nice.

Edward sighed contentedly. "Oh, Bella. Think we'll see Candy Island?" His voice was hopeful.

Bella pulled back slightly. "Uh...Candy Island?"

Edward pulled back, surprised. "Flapjack! Flapjack, Bella. _Flapjack._"

"Okay, just because you keep repeating the word doesn't mean I know what it is any more than I did."

"_Marvolous Misadventures of _Flapjack! A cartoon about their quest to Candy Island."

"...right. Can we just go back to looking at the ocean? I hope I see a unicorn." Bella stared back wistfully at the shoreline, waiting.

Edward shook his head. Under his breath he muttered, "And to think, I thought we had things in _common. _Pfft."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, look! An eclipse!"

Gasp! "Just like me! Bye-bye, Jacob!"

"What? You sure are weird today, Edward. Now, get out your box with a hole in it."

Edward snorted. "Right. Whatever."

Bella looked up at Edward, her eyes tight. "You can't look – "

"I'm a vampire, Bella. I'll be fine."

"You're in the _sun _right now. Sparkling. That is not very vampiric, so I don't think those rules still apply."

Edward didn't say anything. Just watched as the moon inched closer and closer...

"No, Edward!" Bella cried, her voice muffled but her eclipse watcher. "It'll fry your brain!"

"No, Bella. It'll be like _Heroes. _Peter Petrelli, here I come!"

Bella could practically hear the moon shifting its gears to cover the sun. Once it was in place, Bella sighed at its magnificence.

Beautiful.

But then, Bella heard something.

Popping.

"Edward, are you eating rice crispies? I want – !" Bella turned, smiling brightly at him. That was when she noticed. " – some," she finished, deflated.

Those snapcracklePOPS! she thought she heard weren't any breakfast cereal. It was Edward. Edward and his brain. His brain being fried.

With a startled look on his face, a deceased Edward fell onto the ground, sunlight starting to grow on his face.

Bella sat for a moment or two, staring at all and none. Without a word, she left the cliff.

Smirking, she sneered, "Jessica/Niki, here I come."


	20. Staked

**A.N. So there's been many o' you who've been waitin for this so...I hope it meets you expectations. Te he! P**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: My milkshakes! Do you know what they do? They make it to where I can't own Twilight. Yeah.**

* * *

**Staked**

Edward, despite popular belief, did not live in Forks. Sure, since the book _Twilight _came out, a flood of love-sick girls actually _moved _to the town just so they could pretend, for a moment, that they were close to the apparent man of their dreams.

Huh. Yeah...

Well, while Edward couldn't make proof of the girl Bella, he, as a vampire, did exist.

(I know!)

The author caught glimpse of him in his real town in California and decided to just flip some of his fact a little.

But, contrary to what she wrote, Edward was a _real _vampire.

Dies in the sun.

No garlic.

Stake in the heart.

And, sometimes, he found it fun to hang out in the cemetery. As shown by the present evening. Edward was used to people not hanging out in the cemetery. Used to having it to himself.

Except this night.

This night, there was a girl.

No brown-haired-plain-but-still-beautiful-and-unique girl, though. It was a blond girl.

Edward smiled. Dinner.

He glided up to her. She was a teen, he could tell that. Backpack. Jacket.

He smiled, opened his mouth to smooth-talk her...

She rolled her eyes. "Sorry. Don't really have the time tonight."

He quickly changed his nearly formed words. "For what?"

"This charade. I have somewhere to be at ten."

"O...kay." What was happening?

She turned her back to him. Still confused but hungry, the vampire started to inch closer to the girl.

"Tell me," she said, matter o' factly. "What is the quickest way to a man's heart?"

Edward grinned, jaw unhinging, fangs extending. Almost touching her neck... "Through his stomach?" he murmured, brushing away her hair.

"No." Pause. "Through his heart."

And then Buffy staked Edward.

THE END.


End file.
